The Flat Tire: Drawing from the Well of Insight

The Flat Tire

     The weather has been cold. I take off work, just a little bit earlier than usual. My car feels really bumpy going down the alley, but I figure its the cold weather..all the way down the street, across the river and up the hill the car still feels bumpy and somewhat out of control.

   Then I realize something is wrong and I pull into a gas station.

Sure enough my tire is completely Flat, down to the rim. I go in and feel very uncertain about what I am going to do ?? The soda pop guy is there, his big truck blocks the air machine, so that's not use to me..my tire is beyond help anyway... I get advice on what to do next....so there I am within the walls of the philosophical labyrinth..wondering and wandering...trying not to feel too anxious and realizing that despite the nitty gritty nature of all this, the philosphical insights may be what matters most..

   I tell the guy behind the counter that I will just have AAA come there and I tell him " You will get drawn!" and sure enough after I make my calls I pull out my sketchbook and start drawing. It's a balmy day, almost tropical about 29 degrees compared to the COLD frigid below zero weather we have been having so it won't take long for AAA to get there... I draw Eddie, a cute young guy and ask him about his work..and there as I draw him the day after the Power Ball tickets were sold out of there like hotcakes, I realize this is my gift..to draw such an ordinary situation and to draw this young guy who's glad to be working in a part of town that isn't as tough and rough as other places he's worked....perhaps the gift is just to start drawing the places I pass by...and to prod a tiny story out of someone..and perhaps to really surprise them by drawing..

such a simple act and such a great way to be invisible...and to perceive...I wait..I draw..I eye the Power Ball machine thinking I should have bought at least one ticket...but I didn't and my dreams of money like those of so many others are like the frigid air vaporizing on a cold day...

    My AAA guy comes and puts the spare on...I draw him too as he efficiently takes care of the tire....I rip my drawing out of my book and give it to him..he is surprised and happy to be receiving a drawing from nowhere...I feel my invisibility and my joy in giving something so simple away....

    I drive on my lumpy bumpy tire...musing as I go on my way to work that the greatest gifts are the ones that come inside of supposed misfortune and bad timing..the tough times always reveal something..... I drive on my way and at the end of the day pull into a gas station where I end up having to buy a new tire....my insight falters...and I am simply glad for the smooth ride driving home...

Swimming through the Labyrinth of Time: Remembering my Mother

Yesterday was 5 years since my mother died. January 16th, 2011

In her honor I went swimming and thus my musings helped me enter the labyrinth of time and memory...

    My mother was a real athlete and often bragged about the time she dove off a very high diving board..the small black and white photo proved it...Her early days in Vienna were full of swimming and skating...I have a beautiful photo that shows her standing at the rink with her brother, all dressed up, a pensive look on her face as she prepares to skate..he looks impish and it is amazing how much my nephew resembles him....

    My mother swam almost daily into her mid 80's with a beloved swimming partner. After their daily swim they would go out to breakfast or he would make her breakfast as his place, creating a sense of style, elegance and order in her somewhat chaotic life.

     Yesterday I donned the swimsuit that was once hers and went swimming in the chlorine pool...I swam and swam until my daily cares subsided and I swam right into the labyrinth of time and memory...recalling the daily swims at Lake Calhoun all through my childhood and how my mother would walk us to the beach a few blocks away every day for a few hours of swimming while she sat under a tree reading...

    and then.... I swam back to that time a few days before she died when I was by her side in the hospital...everything felt hazy and the dark shadows in bright sunlight somehow mysteriously implied that the end was near....we were in old part of the hospital and I stayed with her through the night...her long eventful life spread out before her on the hospital sheets...me sitting in a chair brought in thoughtfully by the Romanian nurse who accompanied our journey through the night.. and there I was  with longing to leave the looming certainty of death and all of its complexity...I just wanted to crawl back in and swim inside the watery womb that once held me...where everything was quiet, secure and nurturing...

she died two days later..

I keep swimming back to memory and then forward into the present moment day by day... keeping up the physical fitness she modeled for me.......keeping up the exercise..that removes the weight of winter depression and keeps me lively and fluid, musing and wondering....swishing through philosophical waters that lead to mysterious insights and answers....

Entering the Philosphers Labyrinth

I enter the philosopher's labyrinth in the middle of the night, awoken by a phone call about my brother's whereabouts.

Even though it was not the first time, I left my dream sleep and started worrying, wandering and wondering about his whereabouts.......passing through the tight narrow passageways that lead to the enclosed rooms marked "More Worries!" and "Worst Possible Scenarios!!" I took a quick right and found that well worn bench in the softly lit room with candles, the room that emanates trust and hope. I've sat there many times before and I let the soft glow fill me as I leave to wander unmarked passageways..

But first the phone calls to places known and unknown. I called the girlie strip club my brother frequents and no way would the guy who answered look for him. ( maybe I was a wife in disguise??) The overnight police man taking calls at the first precinct was practical and reassuring. He told me Not to go downtown and related briefly the chaos of a Friday night downtown complete with fights and stabbing. He reassured me and told me that as hard as it was I should just wait...but to first call HCMC emergency room..
After a few tries I got through. The lights in the Worry room inside the philosophers labyrinth were blinking neon....Well, I thought if I have to go down to the emergency room...as my friend said my blood pressure would hardly go up!!  having been there so many times before. No my brother was not there.
 I followed the policeman's advice and waited. I refilled my hot water bottle and rested against its comforting warmth as I drifted in a dream like trance up and down the hallways and narrow byways of the philosophers labyrinth..wondering and wandering.....
knowing that the temperature outside was way below zero tonight and would my brother be okay??? In the small open air courtyard I set my prayers heavenward, like small birds flying to the divine, hoping and trusting he was okay.

Drifting into the cold night I did not sleep and almost dreamt...remembering his long trip across the country back in 1979 and 1980 when I was far away and we really did not know where he was as he hitchhiked and painted and survived. His paintings from that time have a certain look, of being made against huge odds with light slanting off a house in New Mexico and reflections in water of people on a dock  off the California coast remaining as testimony to that time.

I wonder eyes wide open what has happened...and then indeed time with its heavy boots tramping up and down the bare linoleum halls does pass.

I make a hesitant call at 4:30 am to where Wallace lives and then find out a mere 10 minutes later, that yes, he is home and fine. I sigh a deep sigh of relief...calling the dear policeman again, someone who has cast me a lifeline of support as the sharks of worry circled around me.....yes, I call him to thank him and he tells me he's kept the notes in front of him and that he did call the strip club to page my brother...( he'd left by that time) and he thanks me for the update. I thank him, knowing that the night brings all kinds of drama for him, that is all in a night's work....

I drift into a deep sleep and awake at noon. It's cold outside and by the time I go outside to renew my ice sculptures it is past 2 o'clock.
I almost slip on the ice but quickly regain my footing as I bring the frozen pieces out to the place by the front sidewalk. There I arrange the frozen pieces into some kind of harmony, some kind of frozen offering to this moment of gratitude, of being able to sleep late, drink coffee and attend to my ordinary routines....
the sun is shining now on the frozen earth casting long purple shadows...I muse on last night's adventure of care and concern, glad to leave the inner twists and turns of the philosophers wondering wandering labyrinth..knowing that life will bring more opportunities to wonder and wander there again soon.