One tiny bottle of Courage

One Tiny bottle of Courage. December 30, 2024

      Today is the 5th day of Hanukkah and I muse on how 21 years ago I was able to go to the Mikvah

(Ritual Bath) to affirm my connection to the Jewish people and to my ancestors.

       It was a courageous moment that culminated years of introspective study and struggle. But I like to think of that moment in the story of Hanukkah. How that one tiny bottle of oil lit up a whole life for me.

       That one tiny bottle of courage leads me to muse on other times in my life when one question or courageous moment led to wonderful moments and events.

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In late July 1975 I found myself on the small island of Inisheer, Aran Islands off the west coast of Ireland. While wandering the back roads I came upon an islander who I asked one small timid quesiton.

"Is there a cottage to rent on the island?'

The next day the boat did not sail and I went up to the pub. 

An islander asked if I was the American girl looking for a place to rent.

I said Yes and later was escorted to see the old cottage where Joe Mairtain the storyteller had lived with his wife Biddy. I immediately said yes and made a bad rent deal! Therein I returned in September of 1979 and lived there in the old storytellers cottage for 3 and a half years.

August 1988.

My friend Marcia called to ask if I was interested in an art job offered at a Jewish Day School in Saint Paul. I later intuitively felt that it was my Jewish ancestors tapping me on the shoulder to somehow remind and connect me with my Jewish ancestry. I soon interviewed for the job and came to work at the Jewish Day School where I began to understand the Jewish cycle of the year  through the work of our hands. It took a lot of searching but through circumstances I connected with Rabbi Allen 10 years later and through study with him was able to go to the mikvah for my Jewish affirmation in 2003. 

5th day of Hanukkah. 

One tiny bottle of courage revealed.

Those times.

There were so many many crisis and ER visits that after a while it became a blur.

But we held on and I kept drawing. Holding onto tiny bottles of courage and faith

that we poured out over impossible situations with seemingly no answers.

After one particulary brutal ER encounter Josh was admitted to the hospital.

That afternoon I sat outside feeling despair, but still drawing. 

A hospital accountant stopped to talk and remark on my drawing.

That led to me connecting to hospital administration and eventually to a 

show later that year. 

"Drawing through Crisis with Courage and Humor!"

later I was paid to do a project of Documenting the Hospital

"A Day in the Life of Hennepin Healthcare"

Tiny bottles of courage that led to so many illuninated moments.

  

       

  

 

I Keep Lighting Candles 5th night of Hanukkah

Musings on an Inner Spiritual Journey

5th Night of Hanukkah  December 29, 2024 

"I reach out to my ancestors and they reach back to me"

I honor my ancestors on all sides...CH White bent over his bible on his

porch in Waco, Texas... and the glorious tempestuous union of my

late parents James And Emily White whose backgrounds shaped my life.

And I honor my mysterious yearnings that stretched out over the years as I taught 

art in the Jewish Day School and learned the inner and outer cycles of the Jewish Holidays.

"The Steps of the mikvah are cool and green. I look around and then descend into the

deep waters of my soul. It has taken years and years to reach this point. 

I feel the cool eternal waters washing over my toes."

The Joy I felt.

Now 21 years later, on this fifth night of Hanukkah that marks time

I cannot stop lighting candles and soon the room is filled with light

reaching out into the dark night. Proclaiming my joy and inner light.

I continue to reach to my ancestors.

unknown, Isaac, my grandmother Ann, my mother Emily, Hannah. unknown.

My Hebrew name reflects who they were and I love the inner meaning of their names.

Hannah Yitzachah is my name.

Comfort and Laughter!

Saturday evening December 28, 2024 

Honoring Emma who brought you two Hot Sandwiches 

Helpless time says with compassion: 

"You haven't eaten for about twelve hours.."

Musings On Time: 

    It is  comforting to make a list of Things to Do and by day's end have checked off most of them.And the predictability of a schedule whether a job or personal projects to get done is a great thing.

         But then there are the times when Regular Time is upended and we find outselves without a guide or chart as we enter uncharted Territory.

                        ................Hospital Time..................suddenly my late husband and I found outselves adrift in Hospital Time....he was being pushed down long hallways and me following behind..until we were "settled" into a hospital room.....regular time left the moment we crossed the thresh hold and Josh laid there...tubes in place...I had only my sketchbook, pen, and paints and so there were on the lonely desert island of timeless hospital time...Regular Time rolled over and laughed.... a Schedule? things to do?  All Gone....there we were in Endless time....these are the drawings I did to mark that time.

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But as focused in as I was on our experience...our questions...and 

our uncertainties.... despite the challenges I was able to turn my gaze upon

those who came to our side with such compassion and helped us every step of the way.

               The Kindly Ambulance Driver                             Tibetan Cafeteria Workers

           Oh so helpful Kristin who brought Josh lunch.         Competent Dr Korkas 

             Qumar our nurse.                                                 Very late at night...Dr Casey Stessman.

Dr Lo comes in and asks careful, thoughtful questions.

Meliss.  PA- C        Empathy

                                           Josh's heart beating.      Our ultrasound team.

We tell Dr RH. Amy  "Yes, We Are Old Hippies."

So dear reader....these are just some of my musings and drawings

that drifted up from the tides of memories...as I look back on a 

timeless time of caring for my late husband Josh...

and how time drifted and became formless but also

 more meaningful and urgent than our everyday life..

This is enough for now. 

I will Draw up from the Well of Insight again and share more soon.

and always keeping in mind thatd

Drawing in the Lowly Places was where the Blessings flowed down.

I Steady my Steps Musings on Being a Mountain Goat

        One of Three Musings on the present Moment and the Nature of Time, Memory and Holidays.

I Steady my steps as I walk into twilight along the lake edge. Deepening dusk holds me as people sit hunched over their ice holes sitting on a bucket on the lake. Waiting. It is a patient kind of time.

I steady my step and memory rises up....suddenly I am back in the holy corridors of Hennepin Healthcare six years ago traversing difficult unknown medical territory. Suddenly it all comes back and I recall how the image of the Mountain Goat rose up one icy morning as I turned onto Highway 55 as it snowed and I was on my way to see Josh in Cardio Renal. Once again. Even as I gripped the steering wheel the image of the Mountain Goat rose up. I thought to myself! I can do this. 

I am  a Mountain Goat.

My feet are secure and will not lose their grip.

No matter how tough it gets, I can even hang upside down.

And survive.

And so once again I drew my way through for the next 6 weeks. Allowing the image of the Mountain Goat to be each appointment, each difficulty, each joy and each challenge. This is my personal testimony to how art can take our hand and guide us through challenging terrain.

For you the Reader here is a Selection of 6 drawings from the over 65 drawings I did. Here is how I navigated the Holy Corridors of Hennepin Healthcare and How Art helped me care for my beloved late husband Josh. Now of blessed memory

                                                           

Blessings of the Lowly Places: Everyone has their Story

 

Thanksgiving Musings and the Bounty

of Family

We were all together for that afternoon..

            November brought us all together for Thanksgiving for the afternoon. We feasted on the

 Thanksgiving foods and shared out time together. Telling old family stories and laughing.

Everybody has their Story.

            An old friend almost moved in but it didn't work out for a number of reasons. After

the stress of that moment I set out to relax in the pool in St Paul.  As I rounded the corner I found heard a pop and an exhale. Then Whoosh! My tire was Flat! I pulled into a little driveway overlooking a barren area under development and called AAA. A cheerful voice said "It will be 15 minutes!" and so I waited as the clock struck 4 pm. The time passed. The sun went down and darkness set in. An hour went by. I passed the time by drawing my way through although I felt a myriad of emotions. It was hard. My drawings reveal my struggles to feel trust as my feet got cold, as I reached to Trust and not be scared and to be in the moment. Drawing my way through as usual.

                                

Weary time kept ticking and finally an hour and a half later Eric called and told me to put on my flashers Blinking, blinking into the dark night I waited! Finally he came. A stocky good looking bearded guy. As I sat in the warm cab he banged on the tire and could not get it off. We towed it to my house.

I carefully drew him with Too Many Cars to Count around him.

I was home safe and did not have to think about the car for a day.

As frost gathered on the window

As my pillow froze on the windows.

As my cats slept and snored.

As I slept

As the season turned into deeper winter.

TODAY

 

As snow turned the roads into beautiful white ribbons.

I woke slowly and made my way downstairs to have coffee and wake up.

Finally I called AAA and my tow truck guy came soon. He was tired

having towed cars all night long. He hitched up the car.

I drew him and we talked. He told me he was native american

I leapt through the years and we talked about baseball.

I drew him and gave him the drawing.

Arriving at Tires for You there was a long line of cars and Oh No!

I had forgotten to bring my car keys! 
How absent minded of me!!

He was patient although tired as we waited for my sweetie to bring the keys.

Finally he came and I was in my car driving it in a very lumpy dumpy way

It was slow.

I texted and sighed.

And tuned into my daily Jewish Meditation Class which felt miles

away (it is on the east coast) and meditation felt rarified as I dealt 

with waiting in line. Finally at a snails pace we moved along.

I got out of my car and met Ahmed in line behind me.

We smiled and he handed me his snow brush so I could brush

the snow off my car

I did not say a blessing over the fluffy white snow

But I felt a Blessing rise in me as I looked upon that familiar

winter sunlight that illuminated gritty 3rd avenue briefly

transforming it into a numinous place of insight and in

that brief moment I was grateful

and felt how winter sheds light on the inner life.

then the sun faded and it was gloomy.

It was all very slow and I truly felt I was going nowhere fast.

Finally I was inside and I recognized it all as I had drawn the workers and 

the place when I was there in June. There I sat in the lowly place among the

cars, tools, grease and dirt. It is a fast paced place.

Edwin remembered how I had drawn him and 

I remembered how I like to draw people who aren't seen.

and thus the blessings flowed down on me. 
He got me two good tires for a real good price

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A Tale of Memory and Hennepin Healthcare

As I waited a man came up to me smiling! It was Chef Don who made such great meals 

when I was at Hennepin Healthcare with my late husband Josh 6 years ago.

Memories and moments flooded back of how I would go eat such a great inexpensive meal 

prepared by him in the midst of so much chaos, uncertainty and challenges.

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     Chef Donald                                                                                         Michael the Dishwasher

                              Oh so hungry hardworking Hospital Workers 

                  ......and so the moments faded and the years floated away and I remembered....

                  We embraced and bid farewell .....knowing we would meet again.....

          And I drew Hassan....... he was impatient waiting for his car to be fixed...and I asked if I could draw him.Always a vulnerable moment....he waited and then he turned to me..and I looked into his face......and there is that tender moment as I look up and down at my pad... drawing and looking and feeling...He exclaimed!! "Amazing!"   "Amazing". and I gave him the drawing.

                             My bill was so reasonable...and I felt somehow the blessings had flowed down 

    to me....and there on that very busy day...the guy I gave my payment to was in pain from a recent appendicitis operation... I drew him a healing hand... 

I left and drove on beautiful ribboned roads all around the lake

Loving winter for only a few minutes

until I felt the challenge of driving on ice all over again.

But my back wheels carefully guided me home.